So it's been almost a month since I lost my girl Marley. Her loss has meant many things and have expected my life in little ways I didn't expect. They day we took her in to end her suffering, a small bit of my heart broke. It felt like someone just chipped it away and I know that part will never be back. All the emotions a owner feels when when lose their beloved pet. Loss, grief, anger, guilt, remorse, relief. Yes, relief is there. When you see your friend go through a stage of sickness, it's almost like you go into this pre-grieving stage, especially when you know it is terminal. The internal struggle between letting go and then saying no never, this dog is a part of my life goes on and on.
It's amazing how most of us have the ability to recover from loss. Now I know it's different in every case, but I did go on. What's hard are those poignant moments when you are doing fine, going your own way and BAM!!! It hits you, the loss. Sometimes I will be doing nothing, just sitting there and I'll feel this crushing force on my heart and this cloud come over my mind. The yearning and the intenseness of loss bring tears to my eyes so quickly it's like I've been poked. The pain is fast and intense and the only way to deal is to let it wash over me so I can let it go. There are still nights when I take the ball of her hair out of my jewelry box and hold it close to my nose. I feel my hand go down next to the bed to feel her phantom body. I want to hold her one last time and that is the hardest. Just a last pet, a last shake of her hand, a last growl, just one more time.
There never will be another like her, nor do I expect it. Each dog has such a beautiful spark they bring to the relationship and each loss is different but hurts no less. I still miss Sierra and looking into her serious eyes and watching her swim in the ocean.
We love them so much, that if they lived longer and we had to deal with the loss, I think it would almost be unbearable and so hard to recover from.
I have more updates and more to say about my girls lost and my girl that is still her, Nala.....but there is a surprise coming soon.
Goodnight my sweet girl Marley, I can almost feel you next to me all the time and your memory lives strong in my head and heart.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
A Letter to My Marleygirl
My sweet Marley,
It's been a good run my girl. It's been 14 years that we were together and I am so grateful you were in my life. The joy, sanity, laughter, adventure and tears have been priceless.
I remember the day that I got you, on some farm in Bloomington. You were the biggest in your litter, but somehow, you ended up being a tiny Chow. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I'm glad I did. You were a tiny black bundle of fur when I brought you home. I have to say, you were the best puppy anyone could want. You were so mellow and aside from those occasional electric cords you chewed, it was a breeze. I do remember though, that first time we went on a walk and you just decided that you weren't going to walk anymore, well, from that moment on, you knew I was wrapped around your paw as I carried you home. I got an inkling of your personality pretty quickly as well. When you were so stubborn, you refused to look at the camera. Little did I know, I was looking at a mirror image of myself, but in a dog. If I said sit, you would stand. But you did learn and we grew together.
Those years I was in college gave you the opportunity to meet lots of people and dogs and was just the beginning of your adventures. You had lots of "aunties" who loved you and would go with us to Dunn Meadow to play. Watching you run back and forth with the other dogs was a joy. We had so much fun going to the lake every week and hiking around. Camping trips where you would scout out ahead. You were always so good and knew to stay around all of us. I guess the freedom I gave you really did pay off.
You put up with being Marley the Wonder Dog when I used to put those red and blue underwear on you, but hey, I cut out a hole for your tail. And then, you went and did it. Now I blame myself, for not getting you spayed quick enough, but did you have to be such a hussy? I remember you bolting out the door when I was taking my bike out and off you went with that huge black lab. I was a mess trying to find you. I remember walking back to the house hours later and there you sat, soaking wet, and I swear you had the biggest grin on your face. My girl the slut. So I scolded you after the relief set in. Well, about 2 months later, I noticed you were getting fat. Hmmm, that wasn't fat, that was a litter of puppies. So I think about a month later, you went into labor. I remembered watching you push out 6 of the most adorable puppies. You let me sit next to you, and when one came out, I would pick it up and put it by your mouth to clean. Well, I messed up and I took this as a serious responsibility. Six puppies. It was a joy to watch them grow and to see what a wonderful mom you were. We found homes for every single one of them. I know by that time, you were pretty tired of being a mommy.
After college, we got a little time in the country, living with my mom and dad. You loved it. Plus you got so spoiled. I remember walking you by the farm with the cows. My oh my, how they loved you. As we walked along the fence, there would be a train of cows following you. I still don't know what it was, guess they were just all sweet on you.
So the time came for both of us to be on our own and you were my co-pilot on the adventure that brought us both to San Diego. We drove across country and you sat there next to me, listening to me talk and talk and talk. You definitely earned your keep with that. I remember driving cross country and pointing out all the farms. You were crazy about the horses. As soon as I would say the word, up you went. Good thing you couldn't get out of the window. Once we arrived in San Diego, you become my strength and sanity. It was a new city with not a lot of friends. You kept me sane and got me out of the house for walks. You showed me again, what a best friend is. People always say they have to get rid of their pets because they are moving, or their new place doesn't take them. It kills me. It's not an option. I remember when we were looking for a place and the stress, but through it all, I knew I would rather sleep in my car then ever even consider getting rid of my girl.
Then came the day, when I met your soon to be daddy. I'll tell you, my love for you, and all animals is what attracted us. He was an animal person too and welcomed and loved you as much as I did. Oh, and also those two new sisters as well. We were worried about bringing all of you girls together, but it worked out in the end. Now your dad had 4 ladies around him....lucky guy. So these last four or five years have been awesome. A new family and lots of love. Trips to the dog park and dog beach.
It never even dawned on me that you were getting older. Seriously, you acted and looked like a young dog for so long, but time catches up to us all I guess. It started gradually and I thought to myself, my girl is actually getting old. You slowed down a bit, but thats to be expected. It was a year ago when you started to really slow down, but it was arthritis, we can treat that, and you were a champ. Your sissy Sierra got sick and she fought a good fight, but in the end, the cancer was to much. We all mourned the loss of her and still miss her. You and Nala went on, a little slower, a little grayer, but still ok. Then a couple of months ago, I noticed you seemed a bit run down, so off to your favorite place, the vet. I never expected to walk out later knowing you were sick. At first we were hoping it was the bladder infection that made your kidneys seem off. So antibiotics started and then another round of tests. It didn't look good, the kidneys weren't looking better.
Then I started to realize that my girl was really sick. I wasn't ready to give up and started researching how to help you. I found info and it looked like with treatment, we could have more time together...at least another year.
We tried. You are a fighter. Even when nothing worked, you kept on fighting. You fought the good fight. There comes a point though, as your caretaker, that I couldn't watch you go through that pain. Everyday, twice a day, I forced the pills down your throat. You kept on fighting and as much as you hated it and struggled, you never snapped at me. You tolerated the needles and fluid with as much grace as you could, better than me, that's for sure. Then I realized that it wasn't helping and that we were just making you miserable. Your poor kidneys just were just about done. The arthritis came on with a vengeance as well. I watched you wobble around and it finally got to the point that even one step on the patio gave you anxiety and you couldn't do it. My strong sweet girl was suffering. So the decision had to be made on how long were you going to suffer and how bad. Today I let you go and it broke my heart. You were my baby, my sister, my friend. I didn't want to let you go, but in the end, that is the final gift I gave you. I held you in my arms and let you go at the same time. My heart hurts and feels empty. But I know I did the right thing. You were a warrior till the end my sweet girl.
Marley my girl, you were an ambassador for your breed. You were the sweetest Chow and everyone who got to know you realized that. You were the sweetest gentlest girl and till the end, you had grace. I will miss how you always slept next to me and how you always watched over me. I will miss your quirkiness, your stubbornness, and your independence. I will miss the cat/dog. I will miss your little Frito smelling feet. Your daddy misses you and your sister misses you. When I put my hand down next to the bed to feel for you and to pet you, there will now be a void that you filled for so long. All that hurt though is worth the freedom you gained today from the pain. Life continues, but there is a big paw print from you on my heart. It will be branded there forever. You were there for me during the hardest times and I thank you. You taught me how to be a good caretaker and the lessons learned from you will be imprinted on all the other boys and girls we will rescue.
You left an imprint on all that have known you. Those that got the chance to know you I hope, have a paw print on their hearts as well. I love you my girl. Play now with your sister Sierra, where there is no pain, and a limitless supply of squirrels to chase. Someday we will be together again and I know you will be as obstinate and sweet as ever. I look forward to that someday.
I miss you dearly.
Your mom, your friend, your sister.
It's been a good run my girl. It's been 14 years that we were together and I am so grateful you were in my life. The joy, sanity, laughter, adventure and tears have been priceless.
I remember the day that I got you, on some farm in Bloomington. You were the biggest in your litter, but somehow, you ended up being a tiny Chow. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I'm glad I did. You were a tiny black bundle of fur when I brought you home. I have to say, you were the best puppy anyone could want. You were so mellow and aside from those occasional electric cords you chewed, it was a breeze. I do remember though, that first time we went on a walk and you just decided that you weren't going to walk anymore, well, from that moment on, you knew I was wrapped around your paw as I carried you home. I got an inkling of your personality pretty quickly as well. When you were so stubborn, you refused to look at the camera. Little did I know, I was looking at a mirror image of myself, but in a dog. If I said sit, you would stand. But you did learn and we grew together.
Those years I was in college gave you the opportunity to meet lots of people and dogs and was just the beginning of your adventures. You had lots of "aunties" who loved you and would go with us to Dunn Meadow to play. Watching you run back and forth with the other dogs was a joy. We had so much fun going to the lake every week and hiking around. Camping trips where you would scout out ahead. You were always so good and knew to stay around all of us. I guess the freedom I gave you really did pay off.
You put up with being Marley the Wonder Dog when I used to put those red and blue underwear on you, but hey, I cut out a hole for your tail. And then, you went and did it. Now I blame myself, for not getting you spayed quick enough, but did you have to be such a hussy? I remember you bolting out the door when I was taking my bike out and off you went with that huge black lab. I was a mess trying to find you. I remember walking back to the house hours later and there you sat, soaking wet, and I swear you had the biggest grin on your face. My girl the slut. So I scolded you after the relief set in. Well, about 2 months later, I noticed you were getting fat. Hmmm, that wasn't fat, that was a litter of puppies. So I think about a month later, you went into labor. I remembered watching you push out 6 of the most adorable puppies. You let me sit next to you, and when one came out, I would pick it up and put it by your mouth to clean. Well, I messed up and I took this as a serious responsibility. Six puppies. It was a joy to watch them grow and to see what a wonderful mom you were. We found homes for every single one of them. I know by that time, you were pretty tired of being a mommy.
After college, we got a little time in the country, living with my mom and dad. You loved it. Plus you got so spoiled. I remember walking you by the farm with the cows. My oh my, how they loved you. As we walked along the fence, there would be a train of cows following you. I still don't know what it was, guess they were just all sweet on you.
So the time came for both of us to be on our own and you were my co-pilot on the adventure that brought us both to San Diego. We drove across country and you sat there next to me, listening to me talk and talk and talk. You definitely earned your keep with that. I remember driving cross country and pointing out all the farms. You were crazy about the horses. As soon as I would say the word, up you went. Good thing you couldn't get out of the window. Once we arrived in San Diego, you become my strength and sanity. It was a new city with not a lot of friends. You kept me sane and got me out of the house for walks. You showed me again, what a best friend is. People always say they have to get rid of their pets because they are moving, or their new place doesn't take them. It kills me. It's not an option. I remember when we were looking for a place and the stress, but through it all, I knew I would rather sleep in my car then ever even consider getting rid of my girl.
Then came the day, when I met your soon to be daddy. I'll tell you, my love for you, and all animals is what attracted us. He was an animal person too and welcomed and loved you as much as I did. Oh, and also those two new sisters as well. We were worried about bringing all of you girls together, but it worked out in the end. Now your dad had 4 ladies around him....lucky guy. So these last four or five years have been awesome. A new family and lots of love. Trips to the dog park and dog beach.
It never even dawned on me that you were getting older. Seriously, you acted and looked like a young dog for so long, but time catches up to us all I guess. It started gradually and I thought to myself, my girl is actually getting old. You slowed down a bit, but thats to be expected. It was a year ago when you started to really slow down, but it was arthritis, we can treat that, and you were a champ. Your sissy Sierra got sick and she fought a good fight, but in the end, the cancer was to much. We all mourned the loss of her and still miss her. You and Nala went on, a little slower, a little grayer, but still ok. Then a couple of months ago, I noticed you seemed a bit run down, so off to your favorite place, the vet. I never expected to walk out later knowing you were sick. At first we were hoping it was the bladder infection that made your kidneys seem off. So antibiotics started and then another round of tests. It didn't look good, the kidneys weren't looking better.
Then I started to realize that my girl was really sick. I wasn't ready to give up and started researching how to help you. I found info and it looked like with treatment, we could have more time together...at least another year.
We tried. You are a fighter. Even when nothing worked, you kept on fighting. You fought the good fight. There comes a point though, as your caretaker, that I couldn't watch you go through that pain. Everyday, twice a day, I forced the pills down your throat. You kept on fighting and as much as you hated it and struggled, you never snapped at me. You tolerated the needles and fluid with as much grace as you could, better than me, that's for sure. Then I realized that it wasn't helping and that we were just making you miserable. Your poor kidneys just were just about done. The arthritis came on with a vengeance as well. I watched you wobble around and it finally got to the point that even one step on the patio gave you anxiety and you couldn't do it. My strong sweet girl was suffering. So the decision had to be made on how long were you going to suffer and how bad. Today I let you go and it broke my heart. You were my baby, my sister, my friend. I didn't want to let you go, but in the end, that is the final gift I gave you. I held you in my arms and let you go at the same time. My heart hurts and feels empty. But I know I did the right thing. You were a warrior till the end my sweet girl.
Marley my girl, you were an ambassador for your breed. You were the sweetest Chow and everyone who got to know you realized that. You were the sweetest gentlest girl and till the end, you had grace. I will miss how you always slept next to me and how you always watched over me. I will miss your quirkiness, your stubbornness, and your independence. I will miss the cat/dog. I will miss your little Frito smelling feet. Your daddy misses you and your sister misses you. When I put my hand down next to the bed to feel for you and to pet you, there will now be a void that you filled for so long. All that hurt though is worth the freedom you gained today from the pain. Life continues, but there is a big paw print from you on my heart. It will be branded there forever. You were there for me during the hardest times and I thank you. You taught me how to be a good caretaker and the lessons learned from you will be imprinted on all the other boys and girls we will rescue.
You left an imprint on all that have known you. Those that got the chance to know you I hope, have a paw print on their hearts as well. I love you my girl. Play now with your sister Sierra, where there is no pain, and a limitless supply of squirrels to chase. Someday we will be together again and I know you will be as obstinate and sweet as ever. I look forward to that someday.
I miss you dearly.
Your mom, your friend, your sister.
Letting Go, How do you know?
It's been a hard year for the girls. The loss of Sierra this year was devastating enough, but then not three months later, Marley was taken to the Vet only to be diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Failure. This has been a roller coaster of a disease for all of us. By the time most dogs are diagnosed, they have dropped to only 20% of kidney capacity. It's a disease with subtle signs at first and is unstoppable. We tried everything with hopes to kick start those kidneys. From 48 hours of continuous fluids, supplements, twice daily subcutaneous fluid injections and more. I was lucky to find a group on Yahoo, K9Kidneys for support and advice. One piece of advice was, treat the dog not the numbers. Numbers being those blood tests that show just how much the disease is progressing. Well, for Marley, nothing was helping. She is 14 yrs old this month and her little body was just wearing out. She dropped her weight from 42 lbs to 30lbs. She had no appetite and to top it all off, her arthritis medicine had to be stopped because it was detrimental to her kidney function. So over the course of a month, I can't even count how many times she has been stuck by a needle, whether by the vet for blood or by us to deliver fluids. I chased her around the house to try to shove pills down her throat because she wouldn't take them. I cooked her anything just to get her to eat a little. I gave up on a special diet because she would rather starve than eat it.
For those of you who have never been closely associated with a chow, they may be one of the most stubborn dogs in the world. Independent and have minds of their own. Well that is Marley, but she still had a sweet side. But when it came to meds and fluids, she wanted nothing with either. We forced her and then I realized that she was still declining, no matter what I did and at a faster rate than I even feared. Here arthritis kicked in with a vengeance, to the point she could not even walk up and down the two steps on our patio. She wobbled and limped around the house with her head down and would pant with agitation and pain. We treated the pain with Tramadol, but I don't think it comforted her very much. The thought and decision loomed in my head. What am I doing to her? She is miserable. How long can she keep up at this because nothing was helping.
Let me say though, there were some good days and good hours. We took her for short walks with her sister Nala, and some of that old spark was there. Some interest came back into her life. Those good moments allowed me to see my girl again. Yes, she was an old dog and maybe she limped a little, but that was my girl. How could I think of letting her go, this is my baby. But those good times were replaced by more sleepless nights, less ability to walk, losing more weight.
I made a decision, that this was no life for my girl. She can't tell me the hurt and the pain, but having been with her for 14 years, I can see everyone of them. I have bonded with Marley so much, that we are almost like twins, our personalities sometimes so close, that it is scary. So I stopped treating the numbers, praying that they would go down, only to be saddened every time they continued to go up. I started treating the dog. Treating Marley meant that I had to realize that she was being made miserable with the pills and injections that weren't helping. Oh, maybe I could gain a week, a month, maybe two, but at what cost? The cost is that she was now miserable from not only the pain but also the constant pills and needles. If she could have handled it well even kind of ok, I would have been worth it, but she didn't. Was that her telling me she was done? I just don't know.
I agonized over the decision, and the decision I came up with was, stop the treatment. Even with it, she barely ate, and even with it, she still could hardly get around. So, by stopping the treatment, now I was now looking at a guarantee that her levels would go up faster. The potential that she would get dehydrated and eat even less. So the decision to stop treatment meant that I had to decide to let her go. With that meant, I had to choose the time to humanely put her out of her misery b/c if I don't, the pain at the end would be unbearable. So on Oct 2nd, I made an appointment with our Vet to euthanize her. I have a hard time with that word, but the old definition from ancient greek means good death. How can death be good? Well it can if it ends pain that is incurable. It can if it sets us free. Regardless of that, it has torn me up inside. My heart feels empty, my stomach aches. I have tears in my eyes all day. I want to cancel, but, that cancellation is for me. I DON'T WANT TO LET HER GO! Then I look at that statement, who is it about? Not her, me. That is the key. I think you will always question yourself and there will always be indecision. I know to many pets go for the wrong reasons, whether its from abandonment or owners who just don't care. I remind myself that that isn't me. I love my girls and will always do anything I can. As other animals are euthanized for the wrong reasons....I know in my heart, it's for the right reason. But it doesn't hurt any less and that is the honest truth.
So today is the day. My heart and brain struggle with each other, both are intertwined with the good and the bad. What I want versus what is best for Marley. The questions are still there. Is this right? I can only say, I think it is best and the decision comes from pure love. I know that up until the moment of release, I will want to grab her and run. I want to beat my chest and beg that she will be better, but that is not life. Life and it's realities do not stop for any of us. Death is inevitable so there is no question there, it's how we handle it and how we have lived up until that point. I'm still crying as I type now, grieving. I've been grieving all week, but I remind myself to stay strong because it's not about me. The pleasure of having her with me, of running my hand down her back, or chasing her around the yard, of laying on the bed and looking at that beautiful face, that physical pleasure will be gone soon. I count the hours I have left. But the memories, those will stay with me forever.
So letting go...it's a question every pet owner will eventually have to deal with. How do you know? Will they tell you? Not always, they won't. If you love your pet, you may have to decide. You will have to struggle with your heart, that just can't break the bond. You will struggle with your brain, that says how can you choose the death of your loved one. Neither is easy, it will never be easy because this is your friend. The choice is, will it be a good death, or will it be a bad death, with nothing but pain. If there is no chance for them to get better and the only future is one of a quick or gradual decline, you have to decide when it is right. It will always hurt. So, letting go is sometimes acknowledging that you love them and can let them go regardless of what your feelings want. If you were in the same situation what would you want? How many days of pain versus days without could you take. We all have a different measure, but always remember, with these beautiful furry friends, we have to be stronger. As their caretakers, we have to take some of that pain onto ourselves, so they can live without it.
Today is the day, I set my girl free. It doesn't hurt any less, but I will take that pain for her.
For those of you who have never been closely associated with a chow, they may be one of the most stubborn dogs in the world. Independent and have minds of their own. Well that is Marley, but she still had a sweet side. But when it came to meds and fluids, she wanted nothing with either. We forced her and then I realized that she was still declining, no matter what I did and at a faster rate than I even feared. Here arthritis kicked in with a vengeance, to the point she could not even walk up and down the two steps on our patio. She wobbled and limped around the house with her head down and would pant with agitation and pain. We treated the pain with Tramadol, but I don't think it comforted her very much. The thought and decision loomed in my head. What am I doing to her? She is miserable. How long can she keep up at this because nothing was helping.
Let me say though, there were some good days and good hours. We took her for short walks with her sister Nala, and some of that old spark was there. Some interest came back into her life. Those good moments allowed me to see my girl again. Yes, she was an old dog and maybe she limped a little, but that was my girl. How could I think of letting her go, this is my baby. But those good times were replaced by more sleepless nights, less ability to walk, losing more weight.
I made a decision, that this was no life for my girl. She can't tell me the hurt and the pain, but having been with her for 14 years, I can see everyone of them. I have bonded with Marley so much, that we are almost like twins, our personalities sometimes so close, that it is scary. So I stopped treating the numbers, praying that they would go down, only to be saddened every time they continued to go up. I started treating the dog. Treating Marley meant that I had to realize that she was being made miserable with the pills and injections that weren't helping. Oh, maybe I could gain a week, a month, maybe two, but at what cost? The cost is that she was now miserable from not only the pain but also the constant pills and needles. If she could have handled it well even kind of ok, I would have been worth it, but she didn't. Was that her telling me she was done? I just don't know.
I agonized over the decision, and the decision I came up with was, stop the treatment. Even with it, she barely ate, and even with it, she still could hardly get around. So, by stopping the treatment, now I was now looking at a guarantee that her levels would go up faster. The potential that she would get dehydrated and eat even less. So the decision to stop treatment meant that I had to decide to let her go. With that meant, I had to choose the time to humanely put her out of her misery b/c if I don't, the pain at the end would be unbearable. So on Oct 2nd, I made an appointment with our Vet to euthanize her. I have a hard time with that word, but the old definition from ancient greek means good death. How can death be good? Well it can if it ends pain that is incurable. It can if it sets us free. Regardless of that, it has torn me up inside. My heart feels empty, my stomach aches. I have tears in my eyes all day. I want to cancel, but, that cancellation is for me. I DON'T WANT TO LET HER GO! Then I look at that statement, who is it about? Not her, me. That is the key. I think you will always question yourself and there will always be indecision. I know to many pets go for the wrong reasons, whether its from abandonment or owners who just don't care. I remind myself that that isn't me. I love my girls and will always do anything I can. As other animals are euthanized for the wrong reasons....I know in my heart, it's for the right reason. But it doesn't hurt any less and that is the honest truth.
So today is the day. My heart and brain struggle with each other, both are intertwined with the good and the bad. What I want versus what is best for Marley. The questions are still there. Is this right? I can only say, I think it is best and the decision comes from pure love. I know that up until the moment of release, I will want to grab her and run. I want to beat my chest and beg that she will be better, but that is not life. Life and it's realities do not stop for any of us. Death is inevitable so there is no question there, it's how we handle it and how we have lived up until that point. I'm still crying as I type now, grieving. I've been grieving all week, but I remind myself to stay strong because it's not about me. The pleasure of having her with me, of running my hand down her back, or chasing her around the yard, of laying on the bed and looking at that beautiful face, that physical pleasure will be gone soon. I count the hours I have left. But the memories, those will stay with me forever.
So letting go...it's a question every pet owner will eventually have to deal with. How do you know? Will they tell you? Not always, they won't. If you love your pet, you may have to decide. You will have to struggle with your heart, that just can't break the bond. You will struggle with your brain, that says how can you choose the death of your loved one. Neither is easy, it will never be easy because this is your friend. The choice is, will it be a good death, or will it be a bad death, with nothing but pain. If there is no chance for them to get better and the only future is one of a quick or gradual decline, you have to decide when it is right. It will always hurt. So, letting go is sometimes acknowledging that you love them and can let them go regardless of what your feelings want. If you were in the same situation what would you want? How many days of pain versus days without could you take. We all have a different measure, but always remember, with these beautiful furry friends, we have to be stronger. As their caretakers, we have to take some of that pain onto ourselves, so they can live without it.
Today is the day, I set my girl free. It doesn't hurt any less, but I will take that pain for her.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Getting Used to Life Without Our Friend
It's been just over a couple of weeks since Sierra has left us. That first week, I really felt like I was not going to get over it. There was a hole in my heart and every where I looked, all I noticed was the fact that she wasn't there. For our girls, three has been the magic number, just like the song on School House Rock. Now we have two. I gave the other two girls lots of extra attention, and was rewarded with their sweetness and love. I'm feeling better and that hole is slowly filling with the good memories, but there are still those moments. This is the first time I've ever had to deal with death. Some people might say it's just a dog or a pet. Those people will never have the compassion in their hearts or understand that there is no such thing as just a dog. Those of us that have these special friends in our life are so blessed and the rewards are boundless. To walk in the door everyday and have that unconditional love and loyalty. Money cannot buy that. A pet will give back a hundred fold what you put into it.
I now worry about our other two girls. They are old and the thought of someday losing them too, well it's inevitable. I thought they were doing ok with Sierra's loss but her littermate Nala, seems to be stressed. She's been sick everyday, but continues to eat. I'm unsure if it's stress or something she has gotten into. If there is anymore, then it will be back to the vet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's nothing serious.
On a last and happy note. I received some cards and packages yesterday. As I opened them up, I realized that it was from members of the Bone Cancer Dogs forum. It brought tears to my eyes. Across the computer screen, tangible in my hands, were heartfelt concerns from people who have given me advice and condolences. I should have known though. The people on the forum understand the true gift we all get if we allow a pet into our lives. They understand the love, the happiness, and the deep loss we feel when our friend is no longer with us. I just wanted to say thank you to all of them and let them know how much they have touched all our hearts. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I now worry about our other two girls. They are old and the thought of someday losing them too, well it's inevitable. I thought they were doing ok with Sierra's loss but her littermate Nala, seems to be stressed. She's been sick everyday, but continues to eat. I'm unsure if it's stress or something she has gotten into. If there is anymore, then it will be back to the vet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's nothing serious.
On a last and happy note. I received some cards and packages yesterday. As I opened them up, I realized that it was from members of the Bone Cancer Dogs forum. It brought tears to my eyes. Across the computer screen, tangible in my hands, were heartfelt concerns from people who have given me advice and condolences. I should have known though. The people on the forum understand the true gift we all get if we allow a pet into our lives. They understand the love, the happiness, and the deep loss we feel when our friend is no longer with us. I just wanted to say thank you to all of them and let them know how much they have touched all our hearts. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Celebrating the Lovebugs Life
It's been cathartic creating this blog about our girls and writing about Sierra's fight with cancer. I still find myself crying at nothing all the time b/c I think about her and how when we walk into the house and instead of 3 wagging tails I see two. Sierra's sisters are saddened, but true to being a dog, they live in the moment and find happiness in some left over pizza crust or just laying out on the deck all evening. So I'm posting this to talk about the happy memories I have of our girl.
As I sit here at the kitchen table, I can almost feel her brush against my leg, since under the table was her spot. If we couldn't find Sierra, it was always wise to look under the table and she would be curled around a chair. So I'm going to write a letter to my girl, remembering all our happy times.
To Our Sweet Girl,
It's only been a few days since we finally released you from your body. I know from looking in your eyes that day that you do not blame us, but thanked us for ending your pain. I know as you left your body you jumped straight into a huge wave to paddle after your favorite ball. You always were the fastest and best swimmer at the beach. You never failed to amaze us with your athleticism. We always thought what a great sporting dog you would be, but lucky us, you were the best companion instead.
Your sisters miss you and I find them glancing to where your bed used to be. Nala wonders where her littermate is....12 years is a long time. Marley wonders why you don't come into the room in the middle of the night to steal her bed. They feel the loss, but be happy because they find happiness in all the little things you did as well; waiting at the door for us to come home, begging for scraps when dinner is being made, and just a hug or a belly rub.
If I close my eyes, I can see your big brown eyes still, looking at me with absolute trust and l
oyalty. Sometimes I wish I wasn't in such a hurry in the past, just trying to get out the door on time, I wish I could have stopped for a second to give all of you a hug. I know you didn't mind because you loved us no matter what.I miss my music fan. Only your sister lies at my feet now as I play my guitar, she's the only one left that can stand it. Every time I play Estudio, I think of you. It's such a pretty song and I promise, I'm going to get all the way through just for you. It will always be our song.
You and your sisters have shown us both what true loyalty and friendship is. How to forgive one another and how to live life every second. We
were blessed to have you in our lives and you have reminded us how fast it all goes. I know you have lots of beaches to roam, oceans to swim in, and kitties to chase. As I will never forget how it feels to have your pointy head under my hand, I know you will not forget the love we have for you and the feel of our hands rubbing your head. Swim on sweet girl where you will never get tired and your ball will never be washed out to sea. I know you will be there when it's time for your sisters and that makes me glad. We are lucky that you allowed us to be your owners. A dog's spirit is a brief glimpse of how we should all model our lives. Thanks for sharing that with us.
Videos of Sierra enjoying life
Living with Cancer and Finally Letting Go
Sierra was doing well but about a week ago, we started to see a definite turn down a corner we have been dreading. Starting the week of 6/18, we noticed that Sierra started to sleep more and more, till by midweek, she was only getting out of bed by much coaxing from us. She would eat chicken but only if we would sit with her and beg her. On 6/18 I looked into her mouth and noticed that the tumors were back. Not where they were debulked but now outside of those spaces and under her palette. I hate this insidious cancer that creeps along and takes their lives just a bit at a time. Wouldn't it be better to just go in a blink of an eye rather than have the cancer chip away a little bit at a time? We had prayed that it wouldn't come back, but it did. We thought things were ok, b/c the bladder cancer wasn't bothering her at all. Well, we made an appointment with her vet scheduled for Friday. By Thursday, Sierra was breathing heavily and panting. I know the weeks prior to this, in my heart, I felt like the cancer may have spread to her lungs. She was coughing occasionally and kind of huffing, but her chest xray in March was clear. Friday morning, my husband and I discussed the possibility that this would not just be a visit for a check up. We went home and spend about 3 hours laying on the bed with our girl. She was not comfortable, constantly panicking and just a feeling of sadness was coming from her. We cried and told her how much we loved her. We both had private talks with her to tell her how much she means to us and how proud we were of her. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the hardest decision we would have to make.
I know on that Friday, that Sierra for the past week was no longer living with cancer, it was taking her and we were not going to allow her to suffer and spend her last days dying from cancer. We loaded her into the car with her favorite blanket and drove to the vets office. I remember that drive and wishing we could hit every stop light just to give us more time.
We finally got to the office and I started to notice some very interesting things, that have a lot more clarity now than they did on that day. That day I was a mess and struggling to keep it together. On all previous visits to the vet, Sierra was always so ridden with anxiety. On this Friday, she was as calm as a cucumber. She made me look like a crazy basket case. When the vet examined her, she was as serene as can be. The vet said that her tumor on her bladder had grown huge and was surprised Sierra could still urinate and was not having accidents. She looked at her mouth and told us the tumor was going to start spreading quickly and most likely up into her palette b/c we could see a large lump hanging down. We described Sierra's behavior knowing what we had to do. The Dr said she was most likely in pain and it was just going to get worse. My huband and I knew, we knew in our hearts we could not let this beautiful girl suffer. I knew that if we switched places, I would beg for that release from the pain. We decided to do it that day, we couldn't let her go another minute. We laid with her on her blanket and spoke words of love and support as we stroked her head. It was very peaceful for her and as much as it hurts to lose her, I'm happy knowing she drifted off to sleep knowing how much she was loved. Goodbye my sweet monkey, my little bollilo head, my beautiful girl....the memories will forever be in my heart.
Sierra's FIGHT with Cancer - Part 2
After much research, we began to discuss getting Sierra a maxillectomy, hoping we could get clean margins. We talked to the surgeon at our vets office and wanted to explore other options and surgeons. Luckily, one of my friends who also has a dog going through cancer recommended us to a specialty surgery center. We made an appointment hoping for the best. In the meantime, the tumor on Sierras mouth was growing. It wasn't slowing down, but just looking at it struck such pain and sadness in my heart. Everytime I would look at her, all I could think of was that there was a ticking time bomb in my dogs body.
We met with the surgeon and got a great feeling from this Dr. I can't stress how important it is to have that intangible feeling of this is the write person to care for our baby. We absolutely love our regular vet, but they told us this was beyond their capabilities. The surgeon described the surgery process, how Sierra would recover, and how it would affect her quality of life. Even though the cost was high, we were ready. Through all the Dr. visits, I was also stressed on how much anxiety this was giving Sierra. She has always hated the vet and her anxiety was high. Luckily, everyone at the surgery center fell in love with her and handled her like a princess.
The surgeon recommended that we do some pre-op blood tests and an ultrasound to make sure everthing internally looked ok. Well, b/c Sierra was so healthy, we had no worries. We dropped her off for her ultrasound and were ready to soon proceed with her surgery. During this whole time, we researched a lot about diet for cancer and took Sierra off all carbs. We focused on a natural diet and gave her lots of vitamins and flaxseed oil to hopefully slow down any spread of cancer. We received a call from the Dr about the test results and ultrasound and were devastated to find out that Sierra had another tumor, on her bladder. The surgeon explained that due to the tumor on her bladder that he would not recommend the maxillectomy and that her prognosis for the bladder tumor was 6 months. I was at a loss for words. It felt like a death sentence, it was one. I posted on the bone cancer forum and one piece of advice I received is the difference between our girl living with cancer and dying from cancer. We decided that we were not going to spend this time with our sweet girl dying from cancer, but letting her live.
The decision was made to proceed with surgery to de-bulk the tumor, leaving her jaw bone intact. Sierra went into surgery and came out fine. She was a big sluggish and we were concerned with any pain she may be experiencing, so we requested something for pain. She was prescribed Previcox and we gave her the prescription for three days. During that three day period, she went from doing kind of ok to totally downhill. She could not get up on her own, she stopped eating and started urinating in her bed. I assumed this was the cancer rearing it's ugly head and took her immediately to the surgeon. Thankfully the surgeon was able recognize her symptoms as not being from the cancer, but an adverse reaction to the Previcox. We immediately discontinued use and saw Sierra bounce back within a couple of days. Unfortunately, due to the adverse reaction, Sierra lost more weight. We did everything to get her to eat. She was in hog heaven, getting chicken, beef, turkey, fish, you name it. I never did feel like she ate enough. It saddened me daily to see her hip bones outlines.
This was all done end of March beginning of April. Sierra did seem to bounce back bit by bit and I saw that spark of her happy self come back. The only thing she didn't have was her amazing stamina, and at that point, I felt walks were overrated. She still would bounce up and down like Tigger outside of the door, begging to come in and that was enough to make me happy.
We met with the surgeon and got a great feeling from this Dr. I can't stress how important it is to have that intangible feeling of this is the write person to care for our baby. We absolutely love our regular vet, but they told us this was beyond their capabilities. The surgeon described the surgery process, how Sierra would recover, and how it would affect her quality of life. Even though the cost was high, we were ready. Through all the Dr. visits, I was also stressed on how much anxiety this was giving Sierra. She has always hated the vet and her anxiety was high. Luckily, everyone at the surgery center fell in love with her and handled her like a princess.
The surgeon recommended that we do some pre-op blood tests and an ultrasound to make sure everthing internally looked ok. Well, b/c Sierra was so healthy, we had no worries. We dropped her off for her ultrasound and were ready to soon proceed with her surgery. During this whole time, we researched a lot about diet for cancer and took Sierra off all carbs. We focused on a natural diet and gave her lots of vitamins and flaxseed oil to hopefully slow down any spread of cancer. We received a call from the Dr about the test results and ultrasound and were devastated to find out that Sierra had another tumor, on her bladder. The surgeon explained that due to the tumor on her bladder that he would not recommend the maxillectomy and that her prognosis for the bladder tumor was 6 months. I was at a loss for words. It felt like a death sentence, it was one. I posted on the bone cancer forum and one piece of advice I received is the difference between our girl living with cancer and dying from cancer. We decided that we were not going to spend this time with our sweet girl dying from cancer, but letting her live.
The decision was made to proceed with surgery to de-bulk the tumor, leaving her jaw bone intact. Sierra went into surgery and came out fine. She was a big sluggish and we were concerned with any pain she may be experiencing, so we requested something for pain. She was prescribed Previcox and we gave her the prescription for three days. During that three day period, she went from doing kind of ok to totally downhill. She could not get up on her own, she stopped eating and started urinating in her bed. I assumed this was the cancer rearing it's ugly head and took her immediately to the surgeon. Thankfully the surgeon was able recognize her symptoms as not being from the cancer, but an adverse reaction to the Previcox. We immediately discontinued use and saw Sierra bounce back within a couple of days. Unfortunately, due to the adverse reaction, Sierra lost more weight. We did everything to get her to eat. She was in hog heaven, getting chicken, beef, turkey, fish, you name it. I never did feel like she ate enough. It saddened me daily to see her hip bones outlines.
This was all done end of March beginning of April. Sierra did seem to bounce back bit by bit and I saw that spark of her happy self come back. The only thing she didn't have was her amazing stamina, and at that point, I felt walks were overrated. She still would bounce up and down like Tigger outside of the door, begging to come in and that was enough to make me happy.
Sierra's FIGHT with Cancer - Part 1
Our girls were getting older and we knew that eventually there would come a time when our girls could no longer be with us. This is like one of those vague thoughts about our time on earth, but it never really seems concrete; that is until time comes one day and gives you a big slap on the face. Well, we were slapped hard the end of February.
We came home one day and let the dogs inside, just like everyday of the week. There was the normal clip clip of their toenails on the floor as they scrambled around us, the jumping up for kisses and the inevitable nose in the crotch from one of the labs. On this day, I noticed that something was not looking right with Sierra's mouth. She had her mouth open, tongue hanging out as always when she was excited, but there was something going on in front above her teeth. I calmed her down and called my husband into the room to take a look. As we pulled up her upper lip, we noticed this big red purple mass on her gums. I freaked out a little, but thought it was an abcess or something. I've never really worried about Sierra's health b/c of our three dogs, she always was the most youthful and healthy. So we made an appointment with the vet and weren't to worried.
We took her into the vets office and our Dr recommended a biopsy. She didn't really say what she thought it was, but said it didn't look like an abcess. So we waited for the results and were called in to discuss that the results came back showing that Sierra had osteosarcoma of the jaw. This didn't really mean anything to me until the Dr said cancer. We were devestated. How could my girl have cancer, why did she get it, she looks so healthy! Our vet recommended we do some research, but her outlook and opinion was not good.
So we went home and started looking stuff up on the internet. I was heartbroken, b/c there was not a lot of info about cancer in the jaw and nothing looked good. I found a wonderful resource on Yahoo Groups - Bone Cancer Dogs. The people on this forum had so much information that I was starting to feel a little better.
We came home one day and let the dogs inside, just like everyday of the week. There was the normal clip clip of their toenails on the floor as they scrambled around us, the jumping up for kisses and the inevitable nose in the crotch from one of the labs. On this day, I noticed that something was not looking right with Sierra's mouth. She had her mouth open, tongue hanging out as always when she was excited, but there was something going on in front above her teeth. I calmed her down and called my husband into the room to take a look. As we pulled up her upper lip, we noticed this big red purple mass on her gums. I freaked out a little, but thought it was an abcess or something. I've never really worried about Sierra's health b/c of our three dogs, she always was the most youthful and healthy. So we made an appointment with the vet and weren't to worried.
We took her into the vets office and our Dr recommended a biopsy. She didn't really say what she thought it was, but said it didn't look like an abcess. So we waited for the results and were called in to discuss that the results came back showing that Sierra had osteosarcoma of the jaw. This didn't really mean anything to me until the Dr said cancer. We were devestated. How could my girl have cancer, why did she get it, she looks so healthy! Our vet recommended we do some research, but her outlook and opinion was not good.
So we went home and started looking stuff up on the internet. I was heartbroken, b/c there was not a lot of info about cancer in the jaw and nothing looked good. I found a wonderful resource on Yahoo Groups - Bone Cancer Dogs. The people on this forum had so much information that I was starting to feel a little better.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Introducing the Three Monkeys
A little intro to the three girls. Sierra - Yellow Lab (Nala's litter mate), Nala - Yellow Lab (Sierra's litter mate), Marley - Chow Chow. These three chicks are the result of a blended family. Sierra and Nala were both adopted by my husband from Lab Rescue. Can you even believe that someone wanted to give them up???? I guess that's our gain. The girls were adopted at age two and are currently 12 years old. Marley has been my girl since I was a sophomore in college, back when I was young. I found her out on a farm in Bloomington, IN and it's been love since. Marley is 13 years old.
Sierra was our little love bug. I have never seen a dog that would take a pet and a hug over a bone, but that was Sierra. Her sweetness was infectious. Sometimes I think she was too smart for her own good. I could see her across the room just thinking, thinking, thinking....either how to get some love or maybe how to kill me. Just kidding on that last point, but geez, that girl loved her dad. Sometimes my husband and I would be laying in bed and I would wake up to her staring at us. Sometimes giving me the stink eye. But really though, she was just sweetness personified.
Nala is our clown. Our wiggleworm. Our sea cow. You can't walk by her without her throwing her body out in front of you and rolling around on her back, hoping, praying, you may either rub her belly or give her some food for her cuteness. I gotta tell you, this dog is so freakin cute I almost forget that she eats poop...sometimes. I like to call Nala our big boned girl. While her sisters have always been svelte, Nala is how would you say....um, curvaceous, voluptuous, rounded, ample? Choose any that may apply.
Marley. How do I describe Marley. Independent, stoic, dogcat. I think dogcat is best. If there ever was a cat that was having a species identity issue and felt that it should be a dog, then Marley would be the result. Now she is 100% dog, but personality wise, don't ever think that she wants us to think she needs us. She blesses us with her presence, and lets us pet her when she wants it. But with that package also comes silliness, loyalty, and friendship. Marley is the hardest to get to know, but once the time is taken, it's well worth the effort. Just ask her legion of fans.
Can you guess who is who?????
Why are we here?
I created this blog to celebrate our three monkeys...ok, they're dogs, but will forever be called my monkeys. I realized that we had pictures scattered everywhere; on the computer, printed on pieces of paper, and in frames. I wanted to have one place where I can put all the wonderful stories, pictures, and movies of our girls and share with those who love their furry friends as much as we do.
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
~Roger Caras
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