Letting Go, How do you know?

It's been a hard year for the girls. The loss of Sierra this year was devastating enough, but then not three months later, Marley was taken to the Vet only to be diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Failure. This has been a roller coaster of a disease for all of us. By the time most dogs are diagnosed, they have dropped to only 20% of kidney capacity. It's a disease with subtle signs at first and is unstoppable. We tried everything with hopes to kick start those kidneys. From 48 hours of continuous fluids, supplements, twice daily subcutaneous fluid injections and more. I was lucky to find a group on Yahoo, K9Kidneys for support and advice. One piece of advice was, treat the dog not the numbers. Numbers being those blood tests that show just how much the disease is progressing. Well, for Marley, nothing was helping. She is 14 yrs old this month and her little body was just wearing out. She dropped her weight from 42 lbs to 30lbs. She had no appetite and to top it all off, her arthritis medicine had to be stopped because it was detrimental to her kidney function. So over the course of a month, I can't even count how many times she has been stuck by a needle, whether by the vet for blood or by us to deliver fluids. I chased her around the house to try to shove pills down her throat because she wouldn't take them. I cooked her anything just to get her to eat a little. I gave up on a special diet because she would rather starve than eat it.

For those of you who have never been closely associated with a chow, they may be one of the most stubborn dogs in the world. Independent and have minds of their own. Well that is Marley, but she still had a sweet side. But when it came to meds and fluids, she wanted nothing with either. We forced her and then I realized that she was still declining, no matter what I did and at a faster rate than I even feared. Here arthritis kicked in with a vengeance, to the point she could not even walk up and down the two steps on our patio. She wobbled and limped around the house with her head down and would pant with agitation and pain. We treated the pain with Tramadol, but I don't think it comforted her very much. The thought and decision loomed in my head. What am I doing to her? She is miserable. How long can she keep up at this because nothing was helping.

Let me say though, there were some good days and good hours. We took her for short walks with her sister Nala, and some of that old spark was there. Some interest came back into her life. Those good moments allowed me to see my girl again. Yes, she was an old dog and maybe she limped a little, but that was my girl. How could I think of letting her go, this is my baby. But those good times were replaced by more sleepless nights, less ability to walk, losing more weight.

I made a decision, that this was no life for my girl. She can't tell me the hurt and the pain, but having been with her for 14 years, I can see everyone of them. I have bonded with Marley so much, that we are almost like twins, our personalities sometimes so close, that it is scary. So I stopped treating the numbers, praying that they would go down, only to be saddened every time they continued to go up. I started treating the dog. Treating Marley meant that I had to realize that she was being made miserable with the pills and injections that weren't helping. Oh, maybe I could gain a week, a month, maybe two, but at what cost? The cost is that she was now miserable from not only the pain but also the constant pills and needles. If she could have handled it well even kind of ok, I would have been worth it, but she didn't. Was that her telling me she was done? I just don't know.

I agonized over the decision, and the decision I came up with was, stop the treatment. Even with it, she barely ate, and even with it, she still could hardly get around. So, by stopping the treatment, now I was now looking at a guarantee that her levels would go up faster. The potential that she would get dehydrated and eat even less. So the decision to stop treatment meant that I had to decide to let her go. With that meant, I had to choose the time to humanely put her out of her misery b/c if I don't, the pain at the end would be unbearable. So on Oct 2nd, I made an appointment with our Vet to euthanize her. I have a hard time with that word, but the old definition from ancient greek means good death. How can death be good? Well it can if it ends pain that is incurable. It can if it sets us free. Regardless of that, it has torn me up inside. My heart feels empty, my stomach aches. I have tears in my eyes all day. I want to cancel, but, that cancellation is for me. I DON'T WANT TO LET HER GO! Then I look at that statement, who is it about? Not her, me. That is the key. I think you will always question yourself and there will always be indecision. I know to many pets go for the wrong reasons, whether its from abandonment or owners who just don't care. I remind myself that that isn't me. I love my girls and will always do anything I can. As other animals are euthanized for the wrong reasons....I know in my heart, it's for the right reason. But it doesn't hurt any less and that is the honest truth.

So today is the day. My heart and brain struggle with each other, both are intertwined with the good and the bad. What I want versus what is best for Marley. The questions are still there. Is this right? I can only say, I think it is best and the decision comes from pure love. I know that up until the moment of release, I will want to grab her and run. I want to beat my chest and beg that she will be better, but that is not life. Life and it's realities do not stop for any of us. Death is inevitable so there is no question there, it's how we handle it and how we have lived up until that point. I'm still crying as I type now, grieving. I've been grieving all week, but I remind myself to stay strong because it's not about me. The pleasure of having her with me, of running my hand down her back, or chasing her around the yard, of laying on the bed and looking at that beautiful face, that physical pleasure will be gone soon. I count the hours I have left. But the memories, those will stay with me forever.

So letting go...it's a question every pet owner will eventually have to deal with. How do you know? Will they tell you? Not always, they won't. If you love your pet, you may have to decide. You will have to struggle with your heart, that just can't break the bond. You will struggle with your brain, that says how can you choose the death of your loved one. Neither is easy, it will never be easy because this is your friend. The choice is, will it be a good death, or will it be a bad death, with nothing but pain. If there is no chance for them to get better and the only future is one of a quick or gradual decline, you have to decide when it is right. It will always hurt. So, letting go is sometimes acknowledging that you love them and can let them go regardless of what your feelings want. If you were in the same situation what would you want? How many days of pain versus days without could you take. We all have a different measure, but always remember, with these beautiful furry friends, we have to be stronger. As their caretakers, we have to take some of that pain onto ourselves, so they can live without it.

Today is the day, I set my girl free. It doesn't hurt any less, but I will take that pain for her.

Living with Cancer and Finally Letting Go

Sierra was doing well but about a week ago, we started to see a definite turn down a corner we have been dreading. Starting the week of 6/18, we noticed that Sierra started to sleep more and more, till by midweek, she was only getting out of bed by much coaxing from us. She would eat chicken but only if we would sit with her and beg her. On 6/18 I looked into her mouth and noticed that the tumors were back. Not where they were debulked but now outside of those spaces and under her palette. I hate this insidious cancer that creeps along and takes their lives just a bit at a time. Wouldn't it be better to just go in a blink of an eye rather than have the cancer chip away a little bit at a time? We had prayed that it wouldn't come back, but it did. We thought things were ok, b/c the bladder cancer wasn't bothering her at all. Well, we made an appointment with her vet scheduled for Friday. By Thursday, Sierra was breathing heavily and panting. I know the weeks prior to this, in my heart, I felt like the cancer may have spread to her lungs. She was coughing occasionally and kind of huffing, but her chest xray in March was clear. Friday morning, my husband and I discussed the possibility that this would not just be a visit for a check up. We went home and spend about 3 hours laying on the bed with our girl. She was not comfortable, constantly panicking and just a feeling of sadness was coming from her. We cried and told her how much we loved her. We both had private talks with her to tell her how much she means to us and how proud we were of her. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the hardest decision we would have to make.

I know on that Friday, that Sierra for the past week was no longer living with cancer, it was taking her and we were not going to allow her to suffer and spend her last days dying from cancer. We loaded her into the car with her favorite blanket and drove to the vets office. I remember that drive and wishing we could hit every stop light just to give us more time.
We finally got to the office and I started to notice some very interesting things, that have a lot more clarity now than they did on that day. That day I was a mess and struggling to keep it together. On all previous visits to the vet, Sierra was always so ridden with anxiety. On this Friday, she was as calm as a cucumber. She made me look like a crazy basket case. When the vet examined her, she was as serene as can be. The vet said that her tumor on her bladder had grown huge and was surprised Sierra could still urinate and was not having accidents. She looked at her mouth and told us the tumor was going to start spreading quickly and most likely up into her palette b/c we could see a large lump hanging down. We described Sierra's behavior knowing what we had to do. The Dr said she was most likely in pain and it was just going to get worse. My huband and I knew, we knew in our hearts we could not let this beautiful girl suffer. I knew that if we switched places, I would beg for that release from the pain. We decided to do it that day, we couldn't let her go another minute. We laid with her on her blanket and spoke words of love and support as we stroked her head. It was very peaceful for her and as much as it hurts to lose her, I'm happy knowing she drifted off to sleep knowing how much she was loved. Goodbye my sweet monkey, my little bollilo head, my beautiful girl....the memories will forever be in my heart.