Living with Cancer and Finally Letting Go

Sierra was doing well but about a week ago, we started to see a definite turn down a corner we have been dreading. Starting the week of 6/18, we noticed that Sierra started to sleep more and more, till by midweek, she was only getting out of bed by much coaxing from us. She would eat chicken but only if we would sit with her and beg her. On 6/18 I looked into her mouth and noticed that the tumors were back. Not where they were debulked but now outside of those spaces and under her palette. I hate this insidious cancer that creeps along and takes their lives just a bit at a time. Wouldn't it be better to just go in a blink of an eye rather than have the cancer chip away a little bit at a time? We had prayed that it wouldn't come back, but it did. We thought things were ok, b/c the bladder cancer wasn't bothering her at all. Well, we made an appointment with her vet scheduled for Friday. By Thursday, Sierra was breathing heavily and panting. I know the weeks prior to this, in my heart, I felt like the cancer may have spread to her lungs. She was coughing occasionally and kind of huffing, but her chest xray in March was clear. Friday morning, my husband and I discussed the possibility that this would not just be a visit for a check up. We went home and spend about 3 hours laying on the bed with our girl. She was not comfortable, constantly panicking and just a feeling of sadness was coming from her. We cried and told her how much we loved her. We both had private talks with her to tell her how much she means to us and how proud we were of her. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the hardest decision we would have to make.

I know on that Friday, that Sierra for the past week was no longer living with cancer, it was taking her and we were not going to allow her to suffer and spend her last days dying from cancer. We loaded her into the car with her favorite blanket and drove to the vets office. I remember that drive and wishing we could hit every stop light just to give us more time.
We finally got to the office and I started to notice some very interesting things, that have a lot more clarity now than they did on that day. That day I was a mess and struggling to keep it together. On all previous visits to the vet, Sierra was always so ridden with anxiety. On this Friday, she was as calm as a cucumber. She made me look like a crazy basket case. When the vet examined her, she was as serene as can be. The vet said that her tumor on her bladder had grown huge and was surprised Sierra could still urinate and was not having accidents. She looked at her mouth and told us the tumor was going to start spreading quickly and most likely up into her palette b/c we could see a large lump hanging down. We described Sierra's behavior knowing what we had to do. The Dr said she was most likely in pain and it was just going to get worse. My huband and I knew, we knew in our hearts we could not let this beautiful girl suffer. I knew that if we switched places, I would beg for that release from the pain. We decided to do it that day, we couldn't let her go another minute. We laid with her on her blanket and spoke words of love and support as we stroked her head. It was very peaceful for her and as much as it hurts to lose her, I'm happy knowing she drifted off to sleep knowing how much she was loved. Goodbye my sweet monkey, my little bollilo head, my beautiful girl....the memories will forever be in my heart.

Sierra's FIGHT with Cancer - Part 2

After much research, we began to discuss getting Sierra a maxillectomy, hoping we could get clean margins. We talked to the surgeon at our vets office and wanted to explore other options and surgeons. Luckily, one of my friends who also has a dog going through cancer recommended us to a specialty surgery center. We made an appointment hoping for the best. In the meantime, the tumor on Sierras mouth was growing. It wasn't slowing down, but just looking at it struck such pain and sadness in my heart. Everytime I would look at her, all I could think of was that there was a ticking time bomb in my dogs body.

We met with the surgeon and got a great feeling from this Dr. I can't stress how important it is to have that intangible feeling of this is the write person to care for our baby. We absolutely love our regular vet, but they told us this was beyond their capabilities. The surgeon described the surgery process, how Sierra would recover, and how it would affect her quality of life. Even though the cost was high, we were ready. Through all the Dr. visits, I was also stressed on how much anxiety this was giving Sierra. She has always hated the vet and her anxiety was high. Luckily, everyone at the surgery center fell in love with her and handled her like a princess.

The surgeon recommended that we do some pre-op blood tests and an ultrasound to make sure everthing internally looked ok. Well, b/c Sierra was so healthy, we had no worries. We dropped her off for her ultrasound and were ready to soon proceed with her surgery. During this whole time, we researched a lot about diet for cancer and took Sierra off all carbs. We focused on a natural diet and gave her lots of vitamins and flaxseed oil to hopefully slow down any spread of cancer. We received a call from the Dr about the test results and ultrasound and were devastated to find out that Sierra had another tumor, on her bladder. The surgeon explained that due to the tumor on her bladder that he would not recommend the maxillectomy and that her prognosis for the bladder tumor was 6 months. I was at a loss for words. It felt like a death sentence, it was one. I posted on the bone cancer forum and one piece of advice I received is the difference between our girl living with cancer and dying from cancer. We decided that we were not going to spend this time with our sweet girl dying from cancer, but letting her live.

The decision was made to proceed with surgery to de-bulk the tumor, leaving her jaw bone intact. Sierra went into surgery and came out fine. She was a big sluggish and we were concerned with any pain she may be experiencing, so we requested something for pain. She was prescribed Previcox and we gave her the prescription for three days. During that three day period, she went from doing kind of ok to totally downhill. She could not get up on her own, she stopped eating and started urinating in her bed. I assumed this was the cancer rearing it's ugly head and took her immediately to the surgeon. Thankfully the surgeon was able recognize her symptoms as not being from the cancer, but an adverse reaction to the Previcox. We immediately discontinued use and saw Sierra bounce back within a couple of days. Unfortunately, due to the adverse reaction, Sierra lost more weight. We did everything to get her to eat. She was in hog heaven, getting chicken, beef, turkey, fish, you name it. I never did feel like she ate enough. It saddened me daily to see her hip bones outlines.

This was all done end of March beginning of April. Sierra did seem to bounce back bit by bit and I saw that spark of her happy self come back. The only thing she didn't have was her amazing stamina, and at that point, I felt walks were overrated. She still would bounce up and down like Tigger outside of the door, begging to come in and that was enough to make me happy.