Missing my girl and life without her

So it's been almost a month since I lost my girl Marley. Her loss has meant many things and have expected my life in little ways I didn't expect. They day we took her in to end her suffering, a small bit of my heart broke. It felt like someone just chipped it away and I know that part will never be back. All the emotions a owner feels when when lose their beloved pet. Loss, grief, anger, guilt, remorse, relief. Yes, relief is there. When you see your friend go through a stage of sickness, it's almost like you go into this pre-grieving stage, especially when you know it is terminal. The internal struggle between letting go and then saying no never, this dog is a part of my life goes on and on.

It's amazing how most of us have the ability to recover from loss. Now I know it's different in every case, but I did go on. What's hard are those poignant moments when you are doing fine, going your own way and BAM!!! It hits you, the loss. Sometimes I will be doing nothing, just sitting there and I'll feel this crushing force on my heart and this cloud come over my mind. The yearning and the intenseness of loss bring tears to my eyes so quickly it's like I've been poked. The pain is fast and intense and the only way to deal is to let it wash over me so I can let it go. There are still nights when I take the ball of her hair out of my jewelry box and hold it close to my nose. I feel my hand go down next to the bed to feel her phantom body. I want to hold her one last time and that is the hardest. Just a last pet, a last shake of her hand, a last growl, just one more time.

There never will be another like her, nor do I expect it. Each dog has such a beautiful spark they bring to the relationship and each loss is different but hurts no less. I still miss Sierra and looking into her serious eyes and watching her swim in the ocean.

We love them so much, that if they lived longer and we had to deal with the loss, I think it would almost be unbearable and so hard to recover from.

I have more updates and more to say about my girls lost and my girl that is still her, Nala.....but there is a surprise coming soon.

Goodnight my sweet girl Marley, I can almost feel you next to me all the time and your memory lives strong in my head and heart.