Living with Cancer and Finally Letting Go

Sierra was doing well but about a week ago, we started to see a definite turn down a corner we have been dreading. Starting the week of 6/18, we noticed that Sierra started to sleep more and more, till by midweek, she was only getting out of bed by much coaxing from us. She would eat chicken but only if we would sit with her and beg her. On 6/18 I looked into her mouth and noticed that the tumors were back. Not where they were debulked but now outside of those spaces and under her palette. I hate this insidious cancer that creeps along and takes their lives just a bit at a time. Wouldn't it be better to just go in a blink of an eye rather than have the cancer chip away a little bit at a time? We had prayed that it wouldn't come back, but it did. We thought things were ok, b/c the bladder cancer wasn't bothering her at all. Well, we made an appointment with her vet scheduled for Friday. By Thursday, Sierra was breathing heavily and panting. I know the weeks prior to this, in my heart, I felt like the cancer may have spread to her lungs. She was coughing occasionally and kind of huffing, but her chest xray in March was clear. Friday morning, my husband and I discussed the possibility that this would not just be a visit for a check up. We went home and spend about 3 hours laying on the bed with our girl. She was not comfortable, constantly panicking and just a feeling of sadness was coming from her. We cried and told her how much we loved her. We both had private talks with her to tell her how much she means to us and how proud we were of her. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the hardest decision we would have to make.

I know on that Friday, that Sierra for the past week was no longer living with cancer, it was taking her and we were not going to allow her to suffer and spend her last days dying from cancer. We loaded her into the car with her favorite blanket and drove to the vets office. I remember that drive and wishing we could hit every stop light just to give us more time.
We finally got to the office and I started to notice some very interesting things, that have a lot more clarity now than they did on that day. That day I was a mess and struggling to keep it together. On all previous visits to the vet, Sierra was always so ridden with anxiety. On this Friday, she was as calm as a cucumber. She made me look like a crazy basket case. When the vet examined her, she was as serene as can be. The vet said that her tumor on her bladder had grown huge and was surprised Sierra could still urinate and was not having accidents. She looked at her mouth and told us the tumor was going to start spreading quickly and most likely up into her palette b/c we could see a large lump hanging down. We described Sierra's behavior knowing what we had to do. The Dr said she was most likely in pain and it was just going to get worse. My huband and I knew, we knew in our hearts we could not let this beautiful girl suffer. I knew that if we switched places, I would beg for that release from the pain. We decided to do it that day, we couldn't let her go another minute. We laid with her on her blanket and spoke words of love and support as we stroked her head. It was very peaceful for her and as much as it hurts to lose her, I'm happy knowing she drifted off to sleep knowing how much she was loved. Goodbye my sweet monkey, my little bollilo head, my beautiful girl....the memories will forever be in my heart.